micah holmquist's irregular thoughts and links
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Tuesday, January 20, 2004
The first draft of this year’s “State of the Union” speech
[Editor’s note: While nowhere near as important as the most certainly all important results of the Iowa Democratic caucuses, the guy in the White House, George W. Bush, is scheduled to give his State of the Union speech tonight. We here at micah holmquist's irregular thoughts and links have uncovered the first draft of Bush’s speech, which we reprint in its entirety below.]
Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, fellow citizens: As we gather tonight, our nation has never been better except for the usual problems, dire threats that my administration likes to pretend are in existence and the continued threat from “the terrorists” that I am determined to defeat and who of course are impossible to explain in the context of U.S. foreign policy. (Applause.)
Last year when I gave this speech I talked about the threat from Iraq, a threat that does not exist today. Of course it didn’t exist then either but you people are so fucking stupid you couldn’t figure that out. Even the fact that I spent over a year talking about needing to strike Iraq first to get rid of the threat that I sometimes said was imminent without any worry that Saddam might actually go ahead and do what I said he wanted to do, strike America did not clue you in any. And some say we need educational reform. (Laughter.)
So I went ahead with a fun little war in the name of whatever sounded good at the moment and all of you worth speaking to supported it, unless of course your were in on it. In that case, you just supported it! (Laughter.) A friend of mine told me that we best be careful because if we go too far with this, “somebody might point this out and expose our fraud.” But I told him if they bought that shit about “the terrorists,” they will believe whatever we tell them. (Applause.) Dick, I think you owe me some pretzels. (Laughter.)
I am obliged to mention the brave fighting men and women of the U.S. Armed Services, so here’s to you. (Applause.)
Do you remember September the 11th? (Applause.) Whenever I find myself starting to forget, I just think of the words of Darryl Worley, “Have You Forgotten? Have You Forgotten?” (Applause.)
I am a man of the future, not the past like those ANGRY freaks who don’t realize that life isn’t about getting mad, it is about getting even and then getting the maximum possible advantage. For that reason, or any other you can think of, you should not vote for them. As a passage from the Bible that Americans have quoted for generations says, “a vote for a Democrat is a vote for the terrorists. (Applause.)
So I will now talk about my reelection, which will happen this year in November. VOTE FOR ME! (Applause.)
Some of you who are with the terrorists might ask, “why should I vote for you President Bush besides the fact that you make sure that I don’t die each day from a terrorist attack?” Well because I am now the president and I will keep doing the same things this year. I will talk a good game about things I don’t care about at time but mostly I will spend my time talking about the battle for freedom so you can applaud. (Applause.)
This is fulfilling God’s will for the world, because America is God’s hand in the world He created in six days a couple thousand years ago. (Applause.) I hear it took Him a bit less time to create Mars if you know what I mean. (Laughter.)
May God continue to bless America more than all other countries and planets combined. (Applause.)
UPDATE: Bush gave a slightly different speech tonight. The major change was a call for pro athletes to stop taking performance enhancing drugs as their being so open about their use of them sets a bad example or something.
I may write something about the speech that isn't satirical, but right now I want to say that every Democrat that clapped for Bush is one reason I don't vote for that party. That said, I thought it was cool when what appeared to be an at least mostly Democratic section of the audience clapped when our Lord and Savior said, "Key provisions of the PATRIOT Act are set to expire next year." Also, as much as it pains me to say this, it was cool when the camera panned to Edward Kennedy shaking his head after Bush had said one of the usual idiocies about protecting the United States from the danger that Iraq posed to our very well being, way of life and system of planning trips to the beach each summer. 10:49 p.m. 01/20/04