micah holmquist's irregular thoughts and links
Welcome to the musings and notes of a Cadillac, Michigan based writer named Micah Holmquist, who is bothered by his own sarcasm.
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Friday, August 29, 2003
Max Standard’s Guide to Being Cool
By Max Standard
San Francisco Chronicle pop culture editor James Sullivan's piece on coolness covers the basics –a love of pork rinds, NASCAR and Huey Lewis- but those who want to a go a bit farther should follow my advice.
Clothes make the man and so you should always try to look your best in neatly pressed and recently laundered Dockers and shirts with stripes. Trucker hats are always cool, especially if they say, “I Wore This Style Of Hat” before it was cool,” as they say you are really hip. Avoid piercings but tatoos are fine so long as they are not visible.
Next you need a vehicle and there is nothing better than a Ford 150 pickup truck in whatever color strikes your fancy. Patriotic bumper stickers are a necessity as well. As should also be the case in your home, your truck –neve call it a “pickup”- should have a compact disc player that is well stocked with music by the likes of Toby Keith and Snoop Dogg, or as we old school hip hoppers like to call him, Snoop Doggy Dogg.
The most important reason for having a vehicle is so that you can easily acquire guns and food. With regard to the latter, if you are going to the food store I suggest sausage –which comes from the same animal that produces pork rinds and pork- and Budweiser beer. If going out to eat, make it Applebee’s as a way of showing you haven’t forgotten the hood.
While enjoying dinner you will see many of your friends and thus should be prepared to converse with them. The best preparation is to listen to Rush Limbaugh for 15 hours each week but that might be tough for the less dedeicated amongst you. 13 hours is the bare minimum, however. Keep in mind that Rush is a brillant man who has ideas far greater than you could ever have because he speaks the simple truth of Real Americans. You might not understand everything he says but do believe everything he says as he is right. For the sake of levity, you will want to watch The Tonight Show with Jay Leno all week long as well. If all else fails, talk about the Star Wars movies. To keep your cred, insist that parts IV and V are the greatest movies that ever could be made. Say VI is in the top ten and then bash I and II. In all conversations regularly, but not constantly, say, “can you hear me now?” and make jokes about gay men being hairdressers, good dancers and fashion concious.
After a hour or two at that local watering hole, you’ll want to head home to your big screen television. If you are a single guy, only watch Leno, FOX News, Scarborough Country, sports and good guy movies like Taxi Driver with that wonderful Travis Bickle. If you have a little woman, buy her a smaller television so that she does not interfere with your viewing.
Life is not all television and eating of course. You should have a lawn that is about half an acre large and quite green due to the fertilizer you put in it. You should ride your lawnmower over it every Saturday so that nobody questions your manhood. Regularly talk about how proud your are of your property.
Now I know this sounds like a pretty luxirious lifestyle but remember as an American you earned it -if you are not an American, I don’t know why you are reading this- and this operation should cost less than Iraq or “Black” programs and it will certainly be better than Ed Vulliamy's "America."
Max Standard is an important intellectual who always tells the pro-American truth. His essay "Bomb away Norway" appeared in Monday's edition of this blog.