micah holmquist's irregular thoughts and links
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Monday, January 13, 2003
Yeah for war!
By Max Standard
(In this essay I speak only to Americans who are not in the military. Servicemen and women should read further to see how much I appreciate you while non-Americans should read this as a warning. You might next! And yes Brits, that includes you.)
Fellow Americans, don’t be fooled by the naysayers of both good and evil. The fix is in, we are going to war with Iraq. We are doing this because “We know for a fact that there are weapons there” and also because the “war on terror” isn’t worthy of the first word unless we get some more warfare going on.
Don’t worry about American soldiers being put in harm’s way. Yes it is true, as Miguel Llanos of MSNBC has reported, that many war planners believe Saddam might use biological or chemical weapons against us –by which I mean U.S. soldiers and not actually you- but we don’t have a draft. Every soldier in an American uniform signed up on their own accord and so if they die it is their own fault. By having a job that put more restrictions on them they are not celebrating freedom, which of course is the thing Axis of Evil members hate most about us, so their lives are actually letting the terrorists win. If any of them die, I say good riddance.
And don’t worry about the economic costs. Reportedly we are going to tap Iraqi oil for the foreseeable future to pay for our war in the sand and the occupation that follows, which not only helps pay for the effort but forces the Iraqis to modify their economy to our needs. Perhaps they can compete with China in making Simpsons stuff for the enjoyment of people like Micah Holmquist.
And most certainly do not worry about a United Nations report saying that war could be a humanitarian disaster and cause as many as 900,000 people to become refugees, create a situation where the “nutritional status of some 3.03m people countrywide will be dire” to the point where “they will require therapeutic feeding” and harm electricity and sanitation services and water supplies. Those things may happen. In fact, I pray four times a day –take that you irreverent Muslims- to both my Lord and Savior, President George W. “The Prince of War” Bush, and His Lord and Savior, Jesus “The Prince of Peace” Christ, that these things happen. It is fun to know Iraqis are suffering! You see they aren’t like you and me. They are Iraqis and not Americans so obviously there can be no comparison.
So take an advance on the President Bush’s tax cut plan and buy a comfortable chair and a new television –only losers won’t benefit enough to be able to both with what they would have otherwise paid-, sit back, eat a steak and watch the sand niggers suffer in our glorious war. If news of the Middle East being destabilized isn’t giving you enough entertainment, just pop in The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring and recall we are the good guys automatically.
Always remember that we are doing this because, in the remarkable words of President Bush, "we don't know how close he is to a nuclear weapon right now" and "we cannot wait for the final proof -- the smoking gun -- that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud." We are going in for God and Country, Truth and Freedom, Liberty and Justice, Democracy and Not Letting the Terrorists Win, Mom, Apple Pie and Baseball as well as anything else you want to believe. “War at Last! War at Last,” I plan to scream! “Thank Bush Almighty, we are at war at last!"
Max Standard is an important intellectual who never hesitates to say the pro-American truth. Due to liberal bureaucratic incompetence he was not credited with his December 14 essay “The ‘I believe Bush’ Blues.” Micah Holmquist’s Irregular Thoughts and Links regrets the error.